dear you,

I suppose I was in the middle of my daily “let’s overthink everything” session when the question popped into my head.

“Do you know that this is your fault?”

Because I know it is and everyone else knows it is and I have blamed you for all of this several times but my biggest mistake in that was that I only did it when I felt absolutely furious. Maybe you didn’t realise I was being serious, maybe you weren’t really listening or maybe you were being your narcissistic self thinking how something is never your fault because you are your own God and how good someone as great as you, do something so terrible, right? I’ve come to terms with your thoughts and how you see yourself, I’ve learned to accept that most of the time. But for once I do wish you would take the blame and take it all in.

Take in all the scars on my body and for once say: “I’m sorry that happened because of me.” Instead of: “I’ll never understand how you could do that to yourself.” Because you have no idea how eager I, then, am to tell you how badly I’d have rather done it to you.

Take in all the times I swallowed too many pills and for once say: “I’m sorry I made you feel so bad that you just wanted to throw away a whole future.” Instead of: “It makes me so angry, how could you be so selfish?” Because you have no idea how badly I’d have rather shoved those pills down your throat instead of my own.

And please do take in all the times you ruined my future by manipulating me, lying to me, abusing me time after time because I promise you it is not something that you get over. It is not something that goes away by talking about it. I don’t need to explain to you that we all need a healthy environment so we can figure out our identity and become the person we’re supposed to be. Instead you made it seem normal to make a 18 year old have trust issues and to believe that she only deserves people around her who abuse her. And do you have any idea how fucked that is? To genuinely believe and attract abusive people because you feel like that’s what you deserve and do you have any idea how hard it is to break that pattern and finally go for something and someone that is not abusive? Only to then feel like you don’t deserve it, to be intimidated, to give them power because you’re used to that.

So please take that in. And for once say: “There is no way to ever apologise for what I’ve done but I want to make things better.” Instead of: “You just need to work harder and want this more. Mental disorders don’t exist, it’s just in your head.” Because you have no idea how ironic that sounds from the mouth of a psychopath.